Talking to your (preschool) kids about death

Okay, this may seem like a VERY strange topic to address with young, especially preschool-aged, kids.  And I never really thought that much about it until recently.  But there are several reasons I decided to write this post and I'll lay that out first.  My oldest son noticed by the time he was two that someone was missing in my family; my dad died before he was born.  We never made much of it until he asked where my daddy was -- and I told him the truth, in an age appropriate manner.  And because we had this background, this past year when Easter came, we also spoke about Jesus' death on the cross as it came up in his children's Bible.

Later that month I was speaking to a group of moms and casually mentioned that our three year old knew of Jesus' death and moms expressed surprise that we had already shared that truth with our child so young.  It hadn't occurred to me that it was strange until then -- and I realized that my own life realities had influenced what we had shared with our children and left it at that.

However, this summer a family connected with our church was struck by tragedy and they lost a young daughter, mom and grandma together in a car accident.  While I didn't know the family personally, many of my friends are very good friends with the family and they have grieved this loss and been left to explain it to their young children, as well.  I mourned for these families and feel for the need they now have to sit with their kids and talk about why their friend is gone.  And I was grateful that although it had not become a personal experience for my child, he understands (to the extent a three-year-old can) that death is a natural, inevitable experience for all living things.

And so, as I hurt for my hurting friends, it struck me that while it's a difficult and weird topic to talk about with a preschooler, it might possibly be an important one.  This blog is more practical than many I write.  Disclaimer, I will be sharing my thoughts and suggestions based on what Erich and I believe the Bible teaches about life, death and what happens after death, but even if you don't agree I think we have some helpful examples.

When my dad's death first came up, we told our son that he had gone to heaven to live with Jesus.  That's the standard answer we've given for all the people he's asked about, because fortunately for us, the people he's asked us about have all been followers of Jesus Christ.  I'm not exactly sure what we'll say if that becomes different, but I think it will be something along the lines of, "Everyone who has asked Jesus to be the Lord and Leader of his life will go to heaven to live with Jesus.  People who did not follow Jesus won't live in heaven."

As our little guy has gotten older, he has asked more questions about death -- when he will die, if he will die, if he'll die after us.  We answer all of them simply and honestly -- we don't know when, everybody will die, usually parents go to heaven before kids.  I recently heard someone share how he was planning to comfort his daughter over the death of her fish -- that God creates all living things to be here for a time.  That's the idea we have also conveyed as well as that for people who follow Him, God invites them to live with Him in heaven when that time is ended.

We've also sometimes answered questions about heaven -- Are there toys?  I think probably.  Will our house be there?  Well, Jesus is getting a place ready and it might be like our house.

Jesus' death also comes up occasionally and we talk about how He died on the cross, that He died to take the punishment for the wrong things we do even though He never did a wrong thing.  And that He became alive again and lives in heaven getting ready for us.

Except for Easter when we intentionally read the story to our kids out of their children's Bible, we have always left this conversation up to our son.  He asks questions and we answer them simply and honestly, not shying away from the topic.  But as I reflected on the loss that family from our church experienced, I thought maybe if it hadn't come up naturally, it's the kind of thing we should bring up to our kids.  No matter how young they are, they are likely to experience death in some way -- a distant relative, a pet, even something seen along the side of the road.  When we take advantage of these experiences, we don't have to start with those deaths most difficult to explain: an unexpected or tragic loss, or the painful loss of a friend or family member.

Kids this age cannot understand the permanence of death.  Their minds just do not wrap around that.  One of the difficulties for us in talking about death with our own kids has been the repetition.  We are constantly hearing questions about where my dad is, or why he had to die.  These topics are not pleasant for me to think about and it's hard to be honest -- but we do our best to share age-appropriately.  The repetition is important for our kids, however.  Because they cannot grasp the permanence, they compensate with repeated questions, trying to understand and trying to learn.  It's hard for us, but necessary for them.  Sometimes the repetition is difficult for me emotionally and I figure it's good for my kids to see that I grieve these losses, that I still miss my dad and feel sad that he's gone.


I think there is value in talking to our young children about the reality of death so they can understand the spiritual truth revealed in Jesus Christ's death.  But also, if we can use the natural experiences of death through a pet or someone who was not known well, we can better prepare our kids for those losses that are more deeply felt, more deeply grieved and most difficult for us to understand, no matter what our age.