In the last ten or so months, I have had no less than 10 friends and acquaintances announce the joyous news that they were expecting a baby, many of them baby number three or four. I have celebrated their news and congratulated them, but to be honest, I have not always felt joyful or even glad for them. In fact, sometimes when I've seen the cute pictures of older siblings wearing shirts or holding signs, ultrasound pictures or positive pregnancy tests to share the news on Facebook I have actually begun to feel sick to my stomach, like I've been knocked down or even betrayed.
You see, a year ago, Erich and I began to try for a baby number three. Our first two boys came right as planned and though I knew the statistics, I felt it would be the same the third time. My plan was to have that baby this past September -- I would have a 4-month old in my arms right now. But 12 months later, we have no baby, no news, and have experienced one miscarriage (and even that came after months of trying). Now, for me, the miscarriage, though heart-breaking, was not the most difficult for me. We had only known for about 5 days, so it didn't feel like losing a baby, but the hope of a baby. And each month for the last twelve I have felt that loss -- as our hope builds and is then shattered again.
Now, I do not begrudge my friends the blessings of their babies. And I am thrilled for them and want them to celebrate and share their good news. But every time I hear of more news, I am knocked down a little bit. I begin to question God. Why not me? I think I'm a good mom, why couldn't I handle three? They are. I can do it. Or, God, what are we doing wrong that You are postponing this joy for us? Or, what will be challenging with the baby that You need us to have more space between kids?
Hear me: some, if not most, of these questions are not theologically sound according to what I believe Scripture teaches about God or His ways. They are purely my honest, emotional questions that I ask in the moments of greatest hurt. And God is big enough to handle them and when I'm comforted, bring me back to the truth of His love and His faithfulness. And in that state, I am able to ask the "right" questions, like: What do you want me to learn from this, God? and Will you help me to trust in Your plan and Your purposes each and every day? I've tried to be like Hannah who, while being harassed by other women for her barrenness, waited and trusted for years and was given a son, Samuel. It is also from this place that I am better able to experience joy for friends and not just pay it lip service.
I share this different kind of baby news for a few reasons. One, I know I am not the only woman to experience this pain, this sense of loss for the baby that could have been. I want to share my story so that others can know they are not alone on this journey and so that I can know it too. And because there are those I know who want more than anything to be a parent and will never have the desire fulfilled in a biological or adoptive way. My heart breaks more for those dear ones than it breaks for my own pain, but I understand their pain a little better because of my own, too.
And also, we waited so long to share because we didn't want to tell people we were trying, so we could surprise them with the news. But I need to be lifted up. Its been a long and lonely road. I need women and sisters and brothers and mothers and fathers and friends to pray with me and for me to be encouraged, to be faithful, to trust in God's plan. And also to pray with us and for us that we would have clarity about His plan. Maybe it's not God's plan that we have three, and I'd like our hearts' desire to line up with God's and we can move our focus and energy to those things He would have us do and be. And maybe it's in His plan, but not yet, and I want to hear "wait" so that we can wait in trust and faith for God to bring us the kind of baby news we've been hoping to share.
So I share this different kind of baby news in the hopes that some would share my burden, so I can be lighter -- and so I can bear some of the burden with others who are walking this same path.
I share in your burden, Britta and will be lifting you and Erich up in prayer. It took us over a year to conceive Hannah (including one early miscarriage). My comfort in the Biblical Hannah's story during that year is what led us to name our sweet blessing after her. I had another miscarriage in between Hannah and Parker. I shared your sentiments exactly - that I mourned the hope of a baby and not the baby personally. Praying for comfort, strength, and a lighter load for you my friend.
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