A Different Kind of Baby News

In the last ten or so months, I have had no less than 10 friends and acquaintances announce the joyous news that they were expecting a baby, many of them baby number three or four.  I have celebrated their news and congratulated them, but to be honest, I have not always felt joyful or even glad for them.  In fact, sometimes when I've seen the cute pictures of older siblings wearing shirts or holding signs, ultrasound pictures or positive pregnancy tests to share the news on Facebook I have actually begun to feel sick to my stomach, like I've been knocked down or even betrayed.

You see, a year ago, Erich and I began to try for a baby number three.  Our first two boys came right as planned and though I knew the statistics, I felt it would be the same the third time.  My plan was to have that baby this past September -- I would have a 4-month old in my arms right now.  But 12 months later, we have no baby, no news, and have experienced one miscarriage (and even that came after months of trying).  Now, for me, the miscarriage, though heart-breaking, was not the most difficult for me.  We had only known for about 5 days, so it didn't feel like losing a baby, but the hope of a baby.  And each month for the last twelve I have felt that loss -- as our hope builds and is then shattered again.

Now, I do not begrudge my friends the blessings of their babies.  And I am thrilled for them and want them to celebrate and share their good news.  But every time I hear of more news, I am knocked down a little bit.  I begin to question God. Why not me?  I think I'm a good mom, why couldn't I handle three? They are.  I can do it.  Or, God, what are we doing wrong that You are postponing this joy for us?  Or, what will be challenging with the baby that You need us to have more space between kids?

Hear me: some, if not most, of these questions are not theologically sound according to what I believe Scripture teaches about God or His ways.  They are purely my honest, emotional questions that I ask in the moments of greatest hurt.  And God is big enough to handle them and when I'm comforted, bring me back to the truth of His love and His faithfulness.  And in that state, I am able to ask the "right" questions, like: What do you want me to learn from this, God?  and Will you help me to trust in Your plan and Your purposes each and every day?  I've tried to be like Hannah who, while being harassed by other women for her barrenness, waited and trusted for years and was given a son, Samuel.  It is also from this place that I am better able to experience joy for friends and not just pay it lip service.

I share this different kind of baby news for a few reasons.  One, I know I am not the only woman to experience this pain, this sense of loss for the baby that could have been.  I want to share my story so that others can know they are not alone on this journey and so that I can know it too.  And because there are those I know who want more than anything to be a parent and will never have the desire fulfilled in a biological or adoptive way.  My heart breaks more for those dear ones than it breaks for my own pain, but I understand their pain a little better because of my own, too.

And also, we waited so long to share because we didn't want to tell people we were trying, so we could surprise them with the news.  But I need to be lifted up.  Its been a long and lonely road.  I need women and sisters and brothers and mothers and fathers and friends to pray with me and for me to be encouraged, to be faithful, to trust in God's plan.  And also to pray with us and for us that we would have clarity about His plan.  Maybe it's not God's plan that we have three, and I'd like our hearts' desire to line up with God's and we can move our focus and energy to those things He would have us do and be.  And maybe it's in His plan, but not yet, and I want to hear "wait" so that we can wait in trust and faith for God to bring us the kind of baby news we've been hoping to share.

So I share this different kind of baby news in the hopes that some would share my burden, so I can be lighter -- and so I can bear some of the burden with others who are walking this same path.

Great Boots and Skinny Jeans

The year 2012 is one in which I wrestled with several things spiritually.  One of those things was the matter of excess in our culture, and my own life specifically.  I have asked a lot of questions and am seeking to make decisions that honor God in this area.  Our world teaches us to always have more, better, newer and bigger.  God teaches us to care for the least of these, the downtrodden, the orphans. To do that takes money, and if I spend all my money on better, newer and bigger for me and my family, I don't have much left to take care of others.

When I say I've wrestled, I mean it.  I have struggled with my own desires, one day deciding I am not going to buy and more new clothes for at least a year and the next, I go out and by some great boots and skinny jeans that I've been wanting for a long while.  When I got home, I felt the weight of my failure and left the tags on both the boots and the jeans for several days.  I could still return them and redeem myself!  Until I finally succumbed to my desire to look cute and the tags came off.

Now, I've worn those boots a lot and the jeans are making the rounds as well, and I didn't pay very much for them, so I'm getting my moneys worth out of them.  But, at what cost?  Did God have different plans for that money?  Could He have multiplied that money into something greater?  Or even if He didn't, could it have fed or clothed or housed someone who didn't even have those basic necessities?  Because I sure have other jeans and shoes I could wear just as easily; I didn't need those things.  And really, I believe it's HIS money, so does He feel He got His moneys worth out of the purchase?

I'm continuing to wrestle with the kind of giving God is calling me to achieve.    Generosity (in ways the complete opposite of materialism) has also been a major theme for me the last eight or so months.  Scripture tells us that God calls us to live generous lives, with our money, our things, our love, our time; to be generous to the point of sacrifice.  On this first day of 2013, I want to commit to stepping out in faith, trusting God, as our family chooses generosity.  I plan also to share some of the things I've learned as I've read books, studied Scripture and prayed about my own life, so if you're interested in delving more into a life generously lived, check back here.  It is my desire and my goal that we would give more, buy more wisely and invest in things that have eternal value.  Because we all know, I don't need more great boots or skinny jeans!